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Thursday, July 16th, 2009
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4:31 pm - rip bruiser
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dear bruiser,
you stayed scrappy and moving longer than i thought. and in my heart, you'll always be the one who jumped over barriers to come into the bedroom and get into bed with me.
i know that you, hope, and bandito (plus the others you've lived with here) are having a lovely reunion right now.
love and miss you,
me
related:
dear johnny,
you've been there for me with every one of these losses. thanks for helping to carry my broken heart.
love,
me
current mood:  crushed
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| Thursday, July 9th, 2009
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1:48 am - big change
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still still not back
still still in deep weirdness and struggle and blah blah blah
but just in case you see me out and about somehow, you ought to know:
thanks to rebecca for her good work
thanks to johnny for reasons that i already poured out to him a couple hours ago <3
back to the job hunt and trying to figure out the way out of the unpleasant...
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| Monday, June 15th, 2009
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3:36 pm - alive
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lots changing in my head and life as i see some things clearly.
still not back here.
but i'm alive. pushing forward as best i can.
no job prospects yet.
lots of rocks on the path as i reach for desired resolutions on the two most important things in my life.
where i am online is a necessity, but i won't explain why.
not sure when i'll be "everywhere" again.
so continue to let important things hit my inbox, please.
hope you're all well :)
current mood:  contemplative
current music: insane peole on maury
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| Tuesday, June 2nd, 2009
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2:36 pm - oh
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resurfacing to note that i just learned my contract will not be renewed thanks to huge budget cuts.
i guess i’ll be online just enough to job hunt so that there’s something for me to do come the start of july.
editing and writing preferred
given the babies, telecommute preferred
appreciate any help finding a new gig. will be keeping an eye on email for that.
but, yeah, not helping me get back online any sooner in the fun/right way :p
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| Friday, May 29th, 2009
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1:40 pm - offline
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for a little while, i am going to be offline. unavailable. not responding to comments, emails, IMs, etc.
no, i won’t be telling anyone why.
if something important happens, put it into an email. i’ll go through my inbox when i’m back online.
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| Wednesday, May 27th, 2009
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12:23 am - odd bits
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in addition to my brain pondering birth control “just because,” here are some other bits from it today.
* i do not want your broken puppy. or your broken home. no matter how lovely both seem.
* (this is advice i have given more than once in the past and to multiple people today, so maybe more need it...because sometimes it’s not enough to *not* not want them....and i hate to see people get stuck there): if you still aren't sure you want them, isn't that an answer?
* the followup to said advice is usually that it’s kinder and healthier to all to let everyone be free to be with someone who definitely does want them. except when i was talking about a material item. in which case the followup is that it’s just one less bit of clutter and guilt that is now free to belong to someone who *does* want it. so, similar but different.
* and, yes, when applied in my own life, the advice ended up with me being “unwanted,” and it was for the best.
* odd things are victories. maybe best savoured only in my head. but yay for them!
* i do so love a large supermarket. with the right company, of course. otherwise, i still hate shopping.
* i am no fool. i know the game of “i will share confidences with you to make you feel close to me.” which is why i’m being more careful than people think and not telling you anything that most people don’t already know and that i’m not vaguely interested in seeing come to light anyway.
* i love happy hours with cheap, tasty food. and the best company ever. because, really, sometimes it’s just what i need when life looks craptastic.
* perhaps i do know how to get the sound i want from what’s already in the house....hmz....
* i love sending secret email to good friends. hopefully, i can sort some things out and send the current email i want to a handful of you soooon.....
okay, now i have things to do. and my brain is cleared out for about 2 seconds. better make use of that!
current mood: contemplative
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| Tuesday, May 26th, 2009
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9:36 am - birth control
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even if i do not currently need birth control, i'm always keeping my eye on the alternatives. someday i'll need it again, and i'd like to move swiftly from condoms to something that involves less planning and no extra gear on hand. when i read sites like planned parenthood, i always come away with questions that i think will only be answered by talking to people who have used a certain method.
so, here is where i turn to you.
i've done the pill, so don't really need to hear about that. unless you were first on a pill that killed your libido but then you found one that was lovely...(for the record, in addition to two “mystery pills” from clinical trials, i was on yasmin and ortho cyclen)
and i'm keeping an eye on “permanent” solutions like tubal ligation and vasectomies.
and barrier methods don’t really fit this, as the point is to move away from needing to keep said barriers on hand just in case i spontaneously want to break the law in a public toilet. heh.
so, if you’ve used something else (iud, ring, patch, shots, etc) and would be willing to tell me how that worked out for you (the good and the bad), especially if you would be willing to let me then ask you my questions, i’d love it if you’d share. comments are screened and won’t be posted, so feel free to share as much tmi as you like. i’d actually appreciate it.
though i am also silently cheering on the male pill. because it might be nice to share the job :)
thanks in advance to all who will respond.
and, boys, you can feel free to tell me about the experiences of your wives or girlfriends. as long as they won’t be mad at you for sharing :)
EDIT: oooo....i’d really love to hear from people who’ve used the para gard iud. its site isn’t as slick as the mirena one, but it tells me it’s hormone-free. (though i have been convinced to check out the mirena iud and the ring, which do include hormones. yes, you’re all shocked if you know my past with hormones....but, yeah, feel free to keep sharing your stories about all these methods!)
current mood:  curious
current music: Bob Dylan - Seven Curses
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| Friday, May 22nd, 2009
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12:13 pm - been a better week...
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whilst i have not yet gotten the two things i want most (though i'd settle for just the top one of the, thanks), it has been a better week. so i am going to bullet point it here, and hope it carries into the weekend.
* loads of time with johnny, who is the best friend ever ever ever. ever. seriously.
* we saw a late showing of the new star trek and loved it. don't wanna hear what you didn't like. my inner fangirl is squealing too loudly to listen.
* i have all the star trek glasses from burger king. if only i still had all the old star wars glasses....but yay! nerd glasses!
* followed my instincts, though they were weird (really, really weird), and opened a very interesting conversation. through it, i've been forced to admit that i am a compassionate person. but don't tell. it will ruin my street cred. also, through this conversation, i was able to pull back a bit on a pity party i'd been having. seeing things from their perspective has been useful, even when it hurt a bit.
* when johnny said i was getting some trust from someone because they knew i was a good person, i made my normal dismissive noise. i am not used to thinking of myself as a generally kind and good person in the way i knew he meant. rather than rush to reassure, he told me not to play that game. there is something deeply satisfying about that response from him. could i love him more? heh.
* had a great conversation with my neighbour, whom i will one day pay to make my yard as amazing as his. wow! i'm not an outside girl, but walking through his yard made me want to sit out and enjoy its beauty.
* got a totally awesome book, written in all seriousness during the 80s, from ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) hallerlake about what life will be like when the russians take over the states. we read bits out loud last night, giggling.
* appear to have gotten good video of last night. and am optimistic about the photos that elenorerigby took.
* last night! met another band who are good, which is always nice when you're trying to plan shows. rocked the venue. had a blast playing. got lots of compliments on both the set and my voice. totally loved johnny on bass and on some backing vocals (there will be more of those....oh yes!). and then johnny and i came back to mine for homemade pizza that fit our dietary issues, tivo-ed hell's kitchen finale, and more drinks for johnny.
* sadly, our drummer is leaving soon for a job. but he is interested in trying to see if we can get down drums for a few more tracks on the cd (lots to sort with that, so it's a longshot). plus, his wife couldn't make the gig. so i'm now scrambling to find something for late june/early july, because she wants to see us. and any time she is supporting what we're doing, it's easier to get him around. (note: rockstars should not have such busy lives! i shall demand our next drummer have no life but us. heh.)
there's more. but nothing i feel like putting out here in the public domain. just sharing the good, as it seems the last couple years have been mainly not-so-happy. but, you know, even given that...i've done a lot of thinking the last few months (waaaaaay too much, really) as i deal with a heavy issue. and what i know, even when i'm in the middle of being really miserable, is that the last few years have made me a person i like much more. not so much that i think it made new pieces of me, but just brought out some neglected facets and helped shape a healthier attitude toward myself and how i treat myself and what i'll accept from life. i see purpose in things that others might think were just hard detours (not in all of them, but in some big ones). i see intent outside my own in where i've been lately, and i think i see where i am going to be able to go. (i hope i see it, because i want it more than i could safely admit publicly). sometimes, it's just hard to see around the big ache. so, yeah, posting this now whilst i'm feeling lighter. hoping it will make it easier to recall if i get another unfortunate round of a present marred by someone else's current lack of clarity.
work has sucked and there's been some sad, like the moving of my dear celeste and watching someone else i've got deep compassion for come to some tough realisations and deal with some hurt. but the first week in ages where i think we're more in the positive.
random bullets:
* a lot of music coming out from bands i've liked for years....and it's good. but i think i may need to find new musicians to love as well. you can hear how, after years, the best-loved acts are not sounding so fresh. no matter how much i'm enjoying their new albums. sadly, pandora is only offering things that are 2+ years old. and i think most you are mainly inclined toward different music than i am these days. guess i'll just have to make the album i want myself. ha!
* i'd love the long weekend more if it didn't mean certain tight work timelines are even tighter. but i will not let that stop me from enjoying sleeping in monday. yum.....just gotta make it through today, accomplishing enough....
* it is hard to find a drummer. yes, in seattle. hard. unless i want to play metal, jam, or let them tell me about how they found The Living God. (and you all know i'm down with that God....but, please.....)
now, back to work and chores. some possible good things coming still this week. and my high hopes and strangely good mood make me dare to believe that the good big i most desire could be around the bend. wherein the bend is just paces away and no longer far out on the horizon. if everyone would like to oblige, i'll happily round it this instant even. heh.
now, like i said....work and chores. hope you are all having weeks with at least a portion of the goodness i'm feeling right now!
current mood:  content...weird, huh?
current music: Ash - Shining Light
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| Thursday, May 21st, 2009
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10:09 am - gig tonight--come be rocktastic with us
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i'll keep it short and graphic:
come see us. be the first to see the luscious johnny. be one of the last (probably) to see our ben. hear the newness of what we've been doing to old tunes.
that's tonight.
at the skylark.
we are on at 10.
it is free.
come love on us!
current mood:  busy!!!
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| Monday, May 18th, 2009
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8:00 am - not passive aggressive...
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still alive
still new unpleasantness piling on
and i would happily say this to you, if you'd give me a chance or listen:
what you see as the present is really the past. you have let a lot disappear. and i feel it deeply. and there are some logical choices you could make that would lead to the happiness you want, but you're allowing yourself to be distracted by...well, really obvious distractions. so that you are missing how not-right things are. and that can only make it all worse. and i don't usually care about normal, but in this case, the lack of normal is surely a sign of something that needs to be dealt with. and you seeing things clearly and making good choices would sure be a lovely help to pulling me out of the current pile of not-okay.
someday, i hope i can stop being cryptic when there are things i just need to say...
also, if you don't have a livejournal and you check in on mine, please drop me a note or mention it to me. am once again thinking of locking this journal to friends only.
current mood: less okay than before even
current music: PJ Harvey - This Is Love
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| Wednesday, May 13th, 2009
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8:47 am - no context
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some girls are very good at manipulation
to the point that people still fall for it, even after they've seen that there's manipulating going on
i don't fall for it
i ache for those who do, even as i want to smack them upside the head
i also would like those girls to get the karmic backlash that's coming to them
that said, today, i will begin to ruin everything.
current mood: don't ask
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| Tuesday, May 12th, 2009
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9:55 am - professional layout/graphics kids & random update
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my brain is a bit too sleepy to be reasonably helpful. so, i know some of you are professional document layout types. i might have a project for you. i'd prefer to offer it first to people i like instead of a stranger if you can do a bang up job. this isn't just for fun :)
random:
there are a few things i care about in a way that makes me ache. my life is full and yet, in the midst of trying to do the things i "have" to do, all i can think of and all i constantly ache for is these things.
i keep thinking that they are getting okay or more okay or moving forward or whatever. i don't care to say a lot about them, so i also want to be vague in how i describe their movement.
but it seems like it's always one step forward and at least two steps slipping back.
so, i'm working and i'm taking care of things. and i'm trying to move my life and the things i care about to the places i want. but i have a sense that i'm backsliding.
even if i had social time, i wouldn't feel social. and what social efforts i make seem to mostly be ignored, unheeded.
which is why i'm kind of feeling like digging in, shutting down, letting it all slide by.
if you feel yourself slipping off in that, it probably isn't intentional. and i'll come around all guilty when i've restored enough of myself to be more than just....whatever i am right now.
current mood:  overwhelmed
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| Thursday, May 7th, 2009
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1:08 pm - lj as location scout
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looking for the following in seattle proper: concrete (or concrete-ish stone) bench. grey in colour. easy to sit on in the early evening. thanks!
(in other news, there's no other news. because my current internal state means that i ought not post anything online at all.)
current mood: busy is the only thing i ought to admit to...
current music: Placebo - Black Market Blood
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| Tuesday, May 5th, 2009
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5:43 pm - save the date (sure, we can call it a date)
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i love when the venue doesn't make me pester them....
apparently, our little 3-song open mic set at the skylark made them happy.
we're playing there on 21 may.
i know. you're thinking, "i love varnish, but that's a thursday!"
yes, but who really cares about productivity on friday?
especially when it's the start of the memorial day weekend....
and it's free.
and really easy to get to. (seriously. i only went the first time because love made me decide to deal with "west seattle," and it was sooooo painless.)
you get to be the first to see our luscious bassist live.
you get to be the first to hear how we've reworked some of the songs whilst in studio.
plus, it's a guaranteed chance to see me. and we all know that should be enough. heh.
in other news, recording goes well. and i'm learning new things and feeling happier with what i'm doing.
now, i gotta go make sure i remember all the lyrics....
current mood:  pleased
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| Friday, May 1st, 2009
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9:20 am - not a great way to start the relationship, dreamwidth
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i want to be excited that i got a dreamwidth invite code.
hey, they let me have a 2 character user name. i like that.
but, really, i just want to upload an icon. a user pic.
i am finding no info to help me understand why none of my pics work.
i have tried an assortment of standard user pic sizes.
i am using only the file types they list as okay.
but once i hit the button to proceed, when it takes me to the editor, there is no picture, even though it says it's done.
when i chance it and just go ahead and click the button to save it as is, i get an error.
and if someone says that's because i need to use ie and not firefox, i'm going to be less pleased.
eventually, i'll put in the time to get this sorted.
but i'm a busy girl and, really, if this one simple thing that everyone will want is giving me hassle....well, it may just be because i am in a bad place due to other things in life, but....now i am suddenly demotivated.
EDIT: apparently, all i had to do was complain, decide to try one last time because i'm stubborn and cranky, and it worked. typical. see, that's why i complain :p
and now it's off to record vocals for 3rd song (we are managing one a day, doing only 2-3 hour sessions--which include some mixing to make sure i get a rest and he has all he needs), do my paid work, do chores, sort out more band details and logistics (i am so looking forward to not being the person who does everything but guitar, bass, and drums someday), blahblahblah.
just thought i'd start you off with some whine.
though i'd rather be starting you with cheese.....
current mood:  annoyed and too busy
current music: Guns N Roses - Out ta get me
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| Thursday, April 30th, 2009
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12:13 am - do you go out on thursdays?
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oh, this was the part i wasn't ready for or looking forward to, where venues ask us how many people we can bring in.
on a weekend, i can give what i think is a safe guess.
but i have no idea on weeknights.
so, local sorts, if varnish played a thursday night gig, who would likely show up?
i need a manager :p
current mood: busy
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| Wednesday, April 29th, 2009
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1:17 pm - these boots
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dear fairy godmother,
i want them. in black patent. size uk6. yum.
i would like to note that, now that i no longer care to spend ages on lacing boots, i have changed my mind and i am keen on that zipper on the side. and yay that it's black.
maybe i can knock over a liquor store.
also, curse the person who put this into my head after so many years of persuading myself that i didn't need to spend money on docs ever.....
xo,
iq
in other news, i am afraid i will have to find a way to modify and try this cake....
current mood: busy. honestly.
current music: jerry springer. why? you wanna start somethin' with me about my tv choices?!?!?
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7:49 am - no
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if my brain ever does that again, i'm going to put a bullet in it.
that was not okay and not useful.
and didn't tell me anything i didn't already know.
nothing i hadn't already been working through and moving past.
and not a nice thing to add to the general mix of last night.
seriously.
current mood: annoyed
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| Monday, April 27th, 2009
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9:07 pm - things that matter...
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today, i did something that mattered:
and i'm going to do it again.
and again.
and again.
until music is done with me.
or i go mute.
and, if i'm a very lucky girl, it will be the way i pay the bills someday.
soon would work for me.
just fyi.
i also made more pre-baked, iq-safe pizza crusts. so that we can have pizzas to suit our dietary restrictions whenever the whim hits.
(themaskmaker, that starter you sent was so mild that i often forget it's sourdough. it has made the perfect breads and pizza shells!)
EDIT: just found this article that offers sourdough hope for you kids who can't eat wheat
and, of course, i did my day job, looked after the ferrets, and made sure my house is in order.
oh, and spent time visualising positive paths forward in the situation that most complicates (and adds hope to) my life.
but completely failed to follow through on setting up the much-needed photographer for band things and the much needed "friend who is a graphics and layout pro" for cd matter.
i'll get to it.
in other news, i love my producer. and i love, in varying ways and to varying extents, my boys in the band.
one reason: the initial quote i got for this project was for 3 songs. we are doing 5. and are still under budget for if we had gotten this far on just 3 songs.
now, i must consider some napping or something.
maybe write in the paper journal (where all the truly juicy bits are).
try to figure out how i'm going to make it all keep working.
whee!
current mood: accomplished
current music: Placebo - The Crawl
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| Sunday, April 26th, 2009
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6:21 pm - fluff
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* i smell like a camp fire. fortunately, this did not involve camping. it did involve fun music and joining the other bands on stage for "melt with you" cover. whee!
* don't ask. but my newest ridiculous want is a mini fridge.
* when choosing a favourite person with whom you will spend most your spare moments and so forth, do be as wise as i was. i am still patting us on the back for being the only people who wanted to do what we did last night. and, clearly, we had the best time. so there!
* start recording vocals monday. am both excited and nervous. after all, the boys all kicked some major musical bum. and even the super rough mix of one song (without vocals) is making me giddy.
* thing i miss most about my construction job: the guy who made fresh jerky. oh my stars. fresh jerky.
* 3 weeks until one of the best girls in the world moves away. and a couple months after that, my favourite drummer moves. and a couple months after that, my favourite hair stylist moves. that is more than enough of that. so the rest of you had best stay put.
* because i care: okay, i know that it's likely the whole mexican swine flu thing will not actually become a Pandemic!! (tm), however....a lot of folks don't consciously think about the repercussions of supermarkets no longer having big stock rooms in the back with extra food. they get daily deliveries. whether to be a bit less starved if a pandemic interrupts deliveries, to help ease the money crunch if you lose your job in this lovely economy, or even so you can be fed when you get a nasty sick (not the msf) and can't drag yourself to the store....if you have a bit of spare space and spare money, it wouldn't be a bad idea to keep some extra tins of food about. stuff you'd eat anyway. (if you knew how much i love, think about, and am motivated by food these days, you would never guess i used to be anorexic. heh.)
now, time to shower off the smoke. now that i've left the smell of it all over the bedding and all over my house and johnny's flat. heh.
current mood: calm, strangely enough
current music: AC Acoustics - Knot of Knots (That There Is No Untying)
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